The Beginning Of The End
by Tifaching
Summary: When the truth would hurt, it's best to keep it to yourself.  Right?   Episode tag to In The Beginning.


Sam's sitting in a chair by the window, watching Dean sleep, something he used to do all the time but doesn't do much these days. Dean doesn't sleep much these days. Sam's gaze travels his brother's body, head to toe. Dean's flat on his back, fully dressed, arms folded under the leather jacket he has spread over himself and Sam swallows hard against the pang in his chest. Dean used to sleep sprawled over the entire bed and he never slept with his boots on. Now there's not a single part of him that says _comfortable, _that says _relaxed. _Sam knows that if he touched Dean, no matter where his hand landed, Dean would be tense- muscles clenched, trembling against the need to _move,_ even in sleep. But Sam doesn't touch Dean much anymore, either. Dean's always known Sam too well, and Sam doesn't want his brother to _feel_ the difference in him.

Sam's phone vibrates on the table and he snatches it up- doesn't want even that slight sound to disturb his brother's respite, no matter how little rest it's actually offering him. Ruby's text says she's found the demon they've been looking for and that she's set up a place to deal with it where they can work undisturbed. She'll be by in about twenty minutes to pick him up. Sam glances at the window- there are still hours of daylight left. They'll need to take down the demon and transport it under cover of darkness, and Sam knows what Ruby's got planned for the rest of the afternoon. His pulse quickens, saliva fills his mouth and he tries to tell himself the feeling that rushes through him is revulsion, but he knows that's not true.

His eyes go back to Dean and he wonders how long his brother will sleep after he leaves. Wonders what Dean will think when he finds Sam gone again. Sam's not sure Dean buys his excuses about where he's been. The library, out for food, gone for a walk- these excuses will work during the daytime but Sam really can't explain his absences in the middle of the night. Even with the aid of what seems like a gallon of alcohol poured down his throat every evening, Dean rarely sleeps more than a few hours at a time. Sam considers, then rejects, the idea of telling Dean what he's really doing.

He's had this argument with himself a hundred times since this version of Dean appeared at his door in Pontiac. Sam's got competing voices inside his head and he doesn't know which to listen to.

_I've got to tell him, _is answered with _It will destroy him. _And that's the truth. It wasn't _practically _Dean's dying wish that Sam not use his powers, it had _actually _been his dying wish. He hadn't put it in so many words, but Sam knew. He knew then and he knows now.

_If I tell him it will destroy him, _is answered with _He's already destroyed. _That also is the truth. The man sleeping on that bed isn't Dean. At least not any Dean that Sam has ever known. He's not totally destroyed, though, not yet. Sam's convinced that his Dean is still in there somewhere, but he might hide behind this new Dean's walls forever if he finds out what Sam's been up to.

_If he finds out on his own it will be worse-_ even Ruby tells him this, but his inner voice answers _How will he find out? _ The old Dean would know already. He'd have found out about Ruby, about Sam's powers, about what he was doing with them. The old Dean wouldn't have let something like this slide under his radar- Sam would have been busted a long time ago. This Dean though? He's weak and broken and so caught up in angels and seals and why _he _was sprung from the pit to deal with it all that Sam thinks he could kill a demon right in the hotel room and his brother still wouldn't figure things out.

_You've seen how he looks at you. Like you're a freak. He'll think you're evil, one of them. He'll leave you. He'll hunt you. _No. No way. _Dean would never leave me, never hurt me. _And Dean never would. He'd proven it time and again. But, Sam reminds himself, this _isn't _his Dean. This man is barely recognizable as his brother- his eyes have things hiding in them that Sam doesn't have the words to name. And Sam has words for everything.

No. Sam won't tell him. Not yet. Not ever if he can get to Lilith and wipe her off the face of the earth without Dean ever _having_ to know. It's for the best, really. Dean can't handle any more weight dumped on his shoulders and Sam's going to take it all and run with it, angels be damned. His shoulders can take the weight. They can take anything for Dean.

His phone buzzes again- Ruby's outside. With a last glance at his brother, Sam slips silently out the door. Ruby smiles as he approaches, eyes dark and full of promises. Sam's body shudders in response and, as he hurries to the car, a final decision is made. He pictures Dean's face- his eyes- as he finds out. Finds out that Sam's been fucking a demon. That he's been drinking her blood. That it's been giving his powers a boost that they could never have imagined. Sam can see the look in Dean's eyes when he learns Sam's secret and _this _look he has words for- _hurt, devastation, betrayal_. No. Sam will keep on the way he's going. He'll get stronger, hone his powers, find Lilith, obliterate her, and _then _he can stop. Dean will be safe, be avenged, have the chance to be _himself _again. He _has _to keep this secret. It's just better for everyone this way.


End file.
